You could have knocked me out flat with a feather when I heard during the week that some churches do not compel couples, on the verge of getting married to go for an HIV test.

I heard that these churches prefer to leave it to faith and other such nonsense!

Listen; don’t ever walk down that road! It has nothing to do with love or faith and has a lot to do with common sense and the future.

If you want to be shackled to an HIV carrier due to love or religious faith, you at least deserve to know what you’re getting into.

It’s wrong to be led down a blind alley. I know that there are people who willingly get married to HIV patients out of love or under the belief that the man or woman is the person God ‘willed’ them to marry.

They call it, “The will of God for me in marriage.”

Yeah, crazy isn’t it? I know, religion! I tell you, it will someday be the end of us all!

It even bothers me that in most traditional marriages, couples don’t go for HIV tests. In any sort of marriage, tying of the nuptial knot, you have to demand that your wife/husband go for the test.

Hell, the two of you should go to the pathologist’s office and have your blood samples taken for the test.

Not just HIV, but also genotype. My kid sister just told me about a couple. They were nuts about each other and wanted to get married.

They were planning all these while they hadn’t bothered to go for HIV or genotype blood tests.

A few days before the wedding after they had booked for hall, paid caterers and spent money on other necessary items, which usually make the wedding a marvellous one to remember, the groom’s mother asked her son if he and his heartthrob had gone for HIV and Genotype tests.

The answer she got was a no! The woman insisted. They went and came back, confused and dejected. Both were ‘As.’

Sure you can risk it, but at what cost?

Only a matter of time… when the SS babies start coming, you’ll begin to run from pillar to post.

Perhaps then, you’ll realise that love cannot even survive some situations. Having SS kids can bankrupt even the richest of couples!

The groom’s mother said an emphatic no to the idea of going on with the wedding. She was more disappointed because she and her husband sent the boy to one of the best schools, including a university in the country and expected him to know better than to prepare to walk down the aisle with a lady without having gone for HIV and Genotype tests.

What will it cost to go for HIV or Genotype tests with your partner before saying I do? I agree that Genotype should come into consideration when feelings begin to build. But HIV is a must even before the feelings start budding and spiralling out of control.

If you care to ask me, I will tell you that even condoms, iron pants or raincoats- depending on what you wish to call the protection- should not be far from you.

Always carry it in your briefcase, if you know that you are one of those men or women that suffer from Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton sexual syndrome.

This is the syndrome of insane desire for sex and satisfying banging in offices.

This is my coinage! Yes, I know! I’m bad, I know! Ha!

Anyway, if you have your raincoat and you suddenly become plagued with that insane desire to impale your secretary right in the office, on her table, with the files and computer system looking on disgustedly or with relish, depending on ‘their moods,’ flip out your condom and slide it on!

Never be caught with pants down without it! And if you’re without it or have run out of it, talk to your reckless, restless and restive one-eyed-snake, to take a hike.

We however know that some of these candy bars can be very stubborn, if yours is one of such, give it a cold shower. It works like magic!

Don’t kid yourself that because you have not seen him/her with too many guys/babes, that he/she could be clean or free of HIV strain.  You know the cliché ‘AIDs no dey show for face.’

If you’re the sort of secretary that likes going down on oga or flinging your legs to angle 90 and 100 to facilitate easy and quick entry for your boss as he rams into you, on your table or in his office, while he is supposed to be dictating the day’s memo, always have a condom in your purse.

Let it be one of your make-up kits!

We all can’t be bosses and superior officers at our places of work. So if you’re one of the lowly workers like me, you also need to have condoms handy.

Why? Yeah, you might want to do it ‘sharp sharp’ in the gents with one of your female workers! And who can say how adventurous or shameless a reckless manhood can go? It can react anytime, at the sight of that girl. Maybe a girl you had been wooing for a long, who suddenly flashes you that come-and-get-me sort of toothy grin?

I don’t know really, but you know what the heck I’m talking about!

These practices are more prevalent in companies where they have night shifts!

All I’m saying is,’ Always be prepared, and ready, and never be caught napping!

I know there are a lot of disciplined men and women who take their time before hitting the sack with a new sex partner or lover.

They wouldn’t be caught dead necking in the office, let alone banging, thrashing and moaning loud enough to bring down the poor office buildings.

When you hear that gospel song or sermon on DVD playing in one of the offices, know that it’s just a camouflage to muffle the moaning sounds. Sometimes these sexual sounds could be very embarrassing.

What about churches? Yes! hum! Saddening…it breaks my heart to say it, but the truth is that churches are one of the most important places you must never be found or caught dead without condoms!

Churches are supposed to be holy sanctuaries, but psst, how many holy people even trend the holy floors?

The floors have become so corrugated with pastors’ holy water and female members’ forbidden juices that angels even now fear to trend.

There are too many horny pastors in churches these days and even more sexually wilder members. Terrible I tell you! So there’s no harm in slipping some condoms into your wallet, or purse as you go for that prayer meeting or choir practice!

There are even too many pastors, who appeared to have the divine calling to bless supposedly barren women with children. The only problem is that when they pray for these women, they prefer to plant the much-desired seed with their naturally endowed ‘farm hooks.’

Yeah, I can see that frown; marring your pretty/handsome faces. Impatient for me to get to the point of my piece today, hei?  Well, if you still have not gotten my drift by now, too bad!

But I will cut to the chase here. If you are going to start dating a guy/babe and we all know that sex is the natural outgrowth of such relationships, always ask your new partner to go for an HIV test.

It would even be better, and reasonable for the two of you to take it together. That way, nobody ends up feeling, he/she “thinks I’m loose or he/she does not trust me.”

Why, even virgins are HIV positive these days, no thanks to manicures and pedicures knives, needles or whatever they call them.

Some babes, who go to saloons to get their hair fixed with weave-on, can even become infected. Most of these hairdressers use the same needle to sew on weave-on for different ladies. Sometimes the needles prick the skull of a customer, causing blood. That same needle would be later used for another customer. Dangerous!

Most times, when a couple starts a new relationship, they might use condoms during sex.

But with time, as feelings continue to grow; they want to have it skin-to-skin. This is the time for both of you to go for an HIV test. Forget trust and keep love at bay, let common, native intelligence reign.

I don’t know how any sane clergyman would discourage his members, who want to get married, not to going for HIV tests. This is what I keep telling people, some of these pastors are sent by the Devil to brainwash Nigerians!

This is part of the reason, you see a church member selling tomatoes all day, under the scorching sun and on Sunday or any other worship day, she/he goes to church, gives the little she/he had to the pastors as offering…a pastor that drives Hummer Jeep, Lamborghini, wears Italian handmade shoes and suits.

A pastor whose kids go to the best schools overseas, while the member goes from relation to relation, begging for school fees for his/her children. If that is not brainwashing, I don’t know what is!

You have to learn to look out for yourself. Your pastor can not love or care for you as much as you do for yourself.

A pastor that kicks against a couple going for HIV test before saying I do, ought to have his head examined, maybe he had lost his marbles. Many of them have!

It’s one thing to preach against fornication, making members go into marriage without testing the stormy waters, but it’s quite something else to tell members not to bother with HIV tests before they get married. As a pastor accept that most of your members, if not all, had at one time eaten the forbidden fruit.

Do you know the trouble with not testing the stormy waters before saying I do? The man or woman may have a sexual drive that is beyond and overwhelming to his/her partner. It could lead to extra-marital affairs and marriage breakdown.

True, there are other ingredients needed in marriage for it to survive: Like trust, honesty, companionship, and tolerance, but sex still happens to be the most essential. Take that to the bank!



BEWARE All Rights Reserved. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or part without prior express written permission from Juliana Francis

Caring is Sharing ... Think It's Cool? Please Share to Any Icon

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *