Juliana Francis
The Justice for Widow Conferences has become a phenomenon and avenue for venting, sharing, listening, and healing.
The stories shared by widows highlight their agony, frustrations and eventual victories. These stories have been known to encourage and make other struggling widows stronger, realising that they are not alone.
During one of the iconic conferences, some women shared their stories. One of the women is Martina Ayabaat. According to her, her husband, Major Goldman Samson Ayabaat passed away after he had a stroke.
Although he was admitted to a hospital, where he was treated for stroke, before commencing the treatment, the doctors did not check if he had diabetes or not.
Matina said: “They concentrated on treating the stroke since they could not use dextrose because of the high BP. They now started pumping sugar that is normal saline as a drip on him. Meanwhile, there was no check on his sugar level.
“He continued with that drip being in a coma. He entered into a coma rather and that coma was caused by the sugar level that skyrocketed as a result of the dextrose saline that was placed on him. H was admitted to the hospital on Friday.
“ He was there Saturday and by Sunday, he gave up the ghost. This mistake cost him his life. I am very sure if the medical personnel had checked his sugar level alongside the BP, they would have known that he was diabetic and hypertensive and would have sought an alternative treatment rather than just concentrating on the physical signs they saw.
“I struggled with that pain for many years, struggling with that pain and feeling bad that this was an avoidable death.
“By the grace of God, through prayers and the mercy of God, I was able to forgive the hospital and doctors and forgave myself because I knew that he was in Maiduguri and I was in Minna. Before I could get to Maiduguri, he was almost gone and there was nothing I could do because the damage had been done.
“However, God helped me to forgive, put that aside and move on with life. And to the glory of God, I have been able, to raise my children. Today, as I speak, every one of them is a graduate and settled.”
Another widow, who was brave enough to share her story is Yemisi Dada. She has been widowed for nine years. She became a widow at the of 36.
She has two daughters and two foster children, making four children in all, therefore it was very challenging for her.
She recounted: “I must be truthful to myself, it was highly challenging, but we thank God for his faithfulness.
When you get support from family and loved ones, it is a bit easier. But when you get the other side from them, if there’s no support, it becomes more challenging. For me, when my husband died, it was a sudden one, it was not expected.
“I was dressing up to go to work on that day, on that fateful day, which is January 8, 2015. He just complained that he was feeling dizzy. I was even thinking it was diarrhoea or something.
“We got to the clinic, and he was placed on drip. The doctor said he had a low blood count that I should get set, and that he needed to get a blood transfusion. I left for the blood bank to get his blood type.
“The doctor called me to say I shouldn’t worry. It was from there I started feeling uneasy. I immediately sensed that something had gone wrong. On returning to the hospital, I saw the matron trying to hold me, saying I should take it easy.
“I was like, what is it? I was led back to the room, and he was gone. I was still trying to do, CPR on him. I told myself to press him. I asked the doctor if he had tried putting oxygen on him. The doctor said they had tried their best and that they were sorry.
“It was as if the world crumbling on me. From there, we started pushing. Initially, some family members were coming, trying to act as if they were sympathetic.
“But at the end of the day, you get to know what they were just after. What does he have on the ground? What is on the ground and what is not on the ground? Before we knew it, so many things were taken away from us.
“Even at that, the four children with me, the eldest among them was just about 10 years. But to the glory of God, I have two graduates amongst them now. The journey has not been easy. Thank God for some support machine. My immediate family were very supportive.
“My in-laws, some were supportive, some were not! You know the issues; they said I have only girls, that I was still young, that I might remarry. We don’t want our brother’s sweat to go in vain.
“If you remarry, it’s the person you remarry that will take over the property. They have to take over their things now. Unfortunately, if you have girl children, they might also go and marry and change their names.
“You know, all this mentality there. But thank God I’m gainfully employed. I’ve been able to work my ass out. I do so many side hustles, with my salary-paid job just to get going. My salary cannot afford to pay the school fees of my children. I must work extra hard, as in extra hard to get things fixed up. I have to go up and to God be the glory. I keep pushing. By January it will be 10 years since I lost my husband.”
Dada said that she just decided not to remarry and simply devoted herself to caring for her children until they came of age. Today, the first child will be 20 years old.
She said: “My last child is out of school already, just finished her WAEC. Once my children are independent, I might decide to move on. But for now, because of the ugly experience I’ve had in the past with family, in-laws, what you hear on the news, what you hear on social media, how many marriages are even settled. I just decided to stay on my own. But truly the journey in the last almost 10 years has not been easy as a widow.
“Most of our late husband’s friends, who couldn’t stay a day without coming to our house, suddenly started avoiding me like I had the plague.
“They’ll say sorry that it was not as if they didn’t want to come to see us, but that if they come, people would say they were dating me or something.
“There was an experience I will never forget in my life. Like I was going to work that day, but I wasn’t driving. One of my husband’s friends saw me on the road and was like, they were about three in the vehicle and I joined the vehicle going to work. All of a sudden, they started alighting one after another.
“I was the only one with the person driving. I was trying to move from the front to the passenger’s seat at the front.
“The man said no, he said I should stay back. He said that if I came to the front seat and people saw me, they would say that he had started dating his late friend’s wife. I felt like the ground should just open and swallow.
“Since that day, if someone waved to stop to help me, I would tell him not to worry, that I needed to pick something from there. Those are some of the stigmas we get as widows. People see you as she lives alone.
“Even they’ll say, Yemisi is very hardworking because she’s the boss of herself. She doesn’t have anybody she’s reporting to at home. Nobody will tell her she comes home late. I just believe that it is another stigma.
“If I’m working fast now, you tell me, because nobody will question your movement at home. Those are some of the things that, if you’re not strong, you get depressed. One of my spiritual moms, Dr. Lola Omotosho, has been so helpful.
“At least there have been some interviews I’ve had with her and that continued to make me feel strong. She might not even know that she’s one of my support machines. I just decided to grow a thick skin and whatever anybody says, does not affect me because my happiness depends on me. My full responsibility is to love my children, to love God, to serve God, and to do whatever pays my bills. Not whatsoever, but a diligent job that will pay my bills. To God be the glory, I’ve been faithful to that end.”
Ms Ogundano Ifemena also shared her story, stressing the positive impact the Justice for Widows and Orphans organization and conferences have made on her. She was particularly pleased with how the organization had been fighting discrimination and ill-treatment against widows and orphans.
The woman, who is a mother of two girls, introduced herself as an educator and a businesswoman.
She narrated: “My story is about discrimination against me getting an apartment as a widow. I lost my husband in March 2023. I decided to move out of the house where we were living together because the environment was toxic and I felt I needed a new place.
“I decided to get a new place for me and the girls. To my surprise, it was very difficult getting a place because everywhere I went, I presented to them my true identity, that I was a widow. For instance, I went to three places, and whenever I filled out the form and told them I was a widow, even among lawyers who were also in charge of the property, they all declined my application for the place because I was a widow.
“I tried several times. I go, they tell me, oh, after I’ve paid for the forms and everything, filling it, the next thing I would hear is, ‘sorry, we can’t give you an apartment because you’re a widow.’
“I asked why, and they told me because a lot of widows couldn’t afford to pay and all that. I told them I was working and I would be able to pay, but nobody wanted to listen or give me an apartment.
“After making several attempts to get a place, I couldn’t, I decided to do something against my wish. I had to tell a lie. I had to get my brother-in-law to stand in for me as my husband so that I could get an apartment.
“When I got to another environment that I liked, I decided to tell them I was married and I got the forms. I had to get pictures, a photograph, a passport, a photograph of myself and my in-laws and I presented to them that I was still married. That was how I got where I am presently staying.
“I found it very disheartening that widows are discriminated against. I never knew because all this while I’ve never had the opportunity to, or had the reason to look for a new place or an apartment.
“I did that and I found out widows are being discriminated against when trying to rent an apartment.
“I pray that such attitude towards widows should stop! Widows, who need to take care of themselves and their children should be able to get a home to live in. Thank you for allowing me to share this story and I pray it goes out to people who matter so that they can help to fight for the rights of widows when it comes to renting apartments.”
The convener of the Justice For Widows Conferences is Dr. Omolola Omoteso.