Ms Gbemisola Ogunrinde is a psychotherapist, working with Ceceyara Child Advocacy Center based in Lagos State. To mark International Women’s Day, with the theme ‘Accelerate Action,’ PEACE MOYINOLUWA ADEDOKUN, chatted with Ogunrinde.
As A Psychotherapist, What Is Your Role As a Woman And How Does It Relate To The Theme ‘Accelerate Action’ And Child Advocacy?
Accelerated action simply means to do something, take charge, or be proactive. That’s what I would do, and that’s how I interpret it.
In the space of child advocacy where we are, particularly about child sexual abuse, I would say that the woman has a role, be it as a parent, as an aunt, or just an older woman in the life of the child.
There are things that you need to do to help preserve or protect them from being victims of child sexual abuse. I would always think that beginning child sex education, age-appropriate sex education as early as possible.
The moment a child can say one or two syllables, from the age of two, really, once the child can identify, has said two or three words, and all that, you want to start helping them understand personal safety, identifying their private parts and calling those parts their actual names, and not giving them pseudo names or anything.
What Do You Mean Calling Privates Their Real Names?
Calling the private parts what they are, helping children to understand why nobody should touch them, what they need to do, that they need to scream, or whatever that they have to do just to ensure that they protect themselves. Even when you know, I think from the age of four, we can always teach a child how to clean their private parts, because as mothers, their aunts or the adults in their lives, you are giving them their bath and all that because they are too little to do that.
But if you show them how to clean their private parts particularly, at least that can curtail some other adults trying to take advantage of them in the name of trying to bathe them. Parents should have an open conversations with their children and also, parents need to ask questions and give answers to their children.
Don’t wait until the children start asking questions, particularly, those who are school-aged or, you know, the adolescents or preadolescence. It’s important to have these conversations with them because they are talking to their classmates. Their classmates are exposed to all kinds of things.
Open Conversations?
Yes, the moment you open up, it means giving your children opportunity to have such conversations. At least they will feel free. They will know and understand that you are approachable.
They will feel free to come and ask you questions. If their classmates tell them something weird about a boy or girl’s sexuality, the fact that they know that their mom or aunt is open and willing to have such conversations with them will be helpful. They will ask questions, and they know that you are a better source of information than anybody else out there.
Don’t dismiss them with, “Why are you asking? What do you want to know about that? It’s none of your business!”
No! This is not the age where you are shy way to talk, to discuss the topic of sex because the world that we’re in, is a crazy one.
You have to be proactive as that woman in the life of your child ensuring that you are protecting them from child sexual abuse.
What Other Advice Or Suggestion Do You Have?
I would say as well be observant, even with the children or the young people around you. Pay attention to their moods changes in behaviour and the kind of things you want to ask questions about.
If a child is reluctant to go to a particular place or to see a particular person, don’t be dismissive. You need to probe further. I’ll just say most importantly, be alert, and be observant with a child that is around, that is in your care.
Don’t just live every day as normal without asking questions.
When a child gets back from school today, ask him or her, how was school, did anything unusual happen? Did anybody make you feel uncomfortable? Was there any unsafe situation? We’re talking about teaching the younger ones, you know, safe touch and unsafe touches because we’re humans and we have to touch.
That’s how children feel love. If a child can differentiate between safe or not safe touches, and you give them that avenue to discuss, they’ll be able to talk to you about whatever happened at school, that makes them feel uncomfortable.
I will just say that stepping up to it, being proactive and engaging these young ones in sex education.
If A Child Gets Sexually Abused, What Should Be The First Action?
Yes, they would need the help of a professional to see them through, probably talk through, depending on the child in question, and the age as well.
Some might be able to talk through their abuse and feelings, the symptoms they are having, and then you as the professional will be able to help them identify healthy ways of coping.
For those that are happy nightmares, whatever it is going on or even if it’s negative thoughts that they are having, you’ll be able to see them through those habits that affect their self-esteem.
You can help them see themselves in a more positive light, those who are feeling guilty, help them understand that the only guilty person is the perpetrator who committed the act.
BHelpthem develops those healthy coping mechanisms and at a point, they’ll be able to, once they’ve learnt enough. You feel like they are in a good place, they’ll be able to continue on their own and also engage the parents as well. Since they are their children, you want to engage the parents, because the parents are probably dealing with their own, asking themselves why it happened to their child and how they had failed as parents to protect their child. Why me?
It will be good to get the parents to get to a point where they do not feel too bad about themselves. Once the parents have a stable state of mind, they will be better able to help their child out of that state of trauma.
But the most important thing is to get help as early as possible, and not try to undermine or rush that child through the healing process.
It is important to understand that each person is different and their healing journey is also different. Allow that child, but at the same time do not over-indulge. It just takes some level of balance, but I think working with the therapist hand in hand will help parents and an abused child through the healing journey.
